11/ 09/ 2013
This past month, someone told me that I was handling the uncertainty of my life “very well.” It was a big moment. Last year was quite the opposite. Most days were just a reminder that I was failing — not getting to do what I actually wanted to, falling short of my expectations, never being “enough” — and it was hard. Upon hearing these encouraging words, I wondered what had changed… like, what was I doing differently now?
It’s true what they say: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. The chaos of last year made me much more self-aware and taught me the importance of something that sounds so simple, but can seem impossible to do, asking for help.
10/ 10/ 2013
When I think about the word “independent,” many images come to mind. Someone eating alone at a restaurant or Buffy Summers — legendary Vampire Slayer — fighting the damned/saving the world yet again. Mostly though, I envision Beyoncé in all her finery, hair flying through the wind, while belting out the chorus of “Single Ladies.”
To me, these images represent strength, confidence and self-reliance. We could argue that these aren’t bad qualities, in fact, they can be life-enriching. But, for some, putting too much emphasis on any 1 of the 3 could be detrimental.
This month I learned that I am too self-reliant for my own good. At the heart of this issue is a deep sense of pride in my independence and my ability to handle things on my own. Obviously there are some underlying causes. I have a fear of being deemed needy or seen as dependent on other people. I’ve also been hurt by others in the past (people I did let in and relied on). I completely recognize that my self-reliance is mostly about protecting myself.
09/ 08/ 2013
Besides making me insecure, and maybe a little crazy, turning another year older led me to ponder thee earlier plights of my 20s. I kept coming back to this certain moment. Something was missing. It was like my memory was trying to teach me an important lesson I’d spent years overlooking. Once, while deliberating the complexities of this certain boy who happened to be in my life at that moment, a good friend said, “You deserve to get what you want,” meaning that I needed to go after whatever it was that I wanted instead of just waiting for something to happen.
I thought about this story a lot in August and, well, I guess it made me want to take more ownership over my life.
The real conundrum is that I’m much more comfortable being the shy, quiet girl than being the outgoing, persistent (in a non-annoying way) one. This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t be quiet… but there’s a major difference in being quiet and being passive. This subdued style — what I see as a gentler approach to everyday life — is much easier than actually putting yourself out there. Reaching out is hard. It requires vulnerability, courage and confidence, which we all know are difficult. In contemplating all of this, I finally achieved enlightenment: in playing passive, I was actually living passively.
08/ 09/ 2013
My birthday typically elicits a desperate need to read a self help book. Knowing that I’m growing older triggers that downward spiral of thoughts like I’m no where close to where I thought I’d be at this point in my life and I don’t have myself at all together and I’m an utter mess. It’s taken time to understand that these sorts of notions are never helpful. Heck, they’re actually self deprecating (but that’s another topic for another post).
As I’ve shared many times on this little blog of mine, I’m wired to seek perfection. Since moving to New York, I’ve learned that it’s not how I want to live my life and I’ve started to work away from having a be perfect all the time. This work on letting go of perfection led me to Brené Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection. In it, Brown discusses the idea of authenticity. Turns out my definition of the term was completely wrong. Authenticity isn’t just about being honest, it means being yourself 100% of the time. It’s feeling whatever you feel, saying what’s wrong and doing whatever it is you need to do.
What I’m really saying is that authenticity is hard. Being yourself all the time can be scary. It means committing to vulnerability and sharing your struggles with a select few. Brown points out that others won’t always like the decisions you make or the actions you take, which I know — for my fellow perfect-aspirers out there — sounds brutal.
