Birthday Lessons (a few months late)

I sympathize with kids that have summer birthdays because they miss out on the joy of in school celebrations. In my day (the 1990s), it was the highlight of a child’s school year. Imagine, if you will… school ends early; classmates sing happy birthday to YOU; you all sit at your desks under those blinding fluorescent lights giggling and nibbling on Publix cupcakes with that insanely sweet whipped frosting, whilst guzzling down what seems like an infinite amount of soda.

The injustice of missing out on cake and soda at school was more than I could take (clearly, as I’m still talking about it decades later!). However, as I grew, I learned to love having an August birthday. There’s a more relaxed energy during the summer. The days are longer and the sun sets later. It’s usually more quiet at work, so it’s a less stressful time. I can take a few days off, sleep in and enjoy the big day. Forget those Publix cupcakes and soda. I can have multiple desserts with chardonnay now!

This year, I spent my birthday with family, which hasn’t happened since I moved to NYC over nine years ago. My mom ordered this incredible cake from one of my favorite bakeries, Milk Bar, and we picked up Thai food and watched Jeopardy. Yes, I made them sing happy birthday to me more than once—it was lovely.

Typically in birthday posts, I reflect on my growth over the past year. When I think about it, I know that a lot of my growth stems from the circumstances of 2020, which we’ve all been grappling with. Here are a couple things I’ve learned over the past year:

I love being right and knowing all the answers. I delight in it so much that I tie my rightness to how I feel about myself. If, for example, I say the wrong thing or give an incorrect answer, I use to think, “wow, you’re stupid” or “how could I make that mistake,” among other things. Now, I’m learning to recognize then stop these thought patterns, so I can think in a more neutral way. Instead of “you’re stupid,” I think “I didn’t know and am learning something new.” Opting for a more neutral thought makes it less about me and more objective. Most importantly, being right is no longer tied to my sense of worth.

My life can look differently and still be enriching. I think we eventually all hit a certain age when we realize that life often happens differently in your mind than in reality. I started learning this in my 20s, and though I understood it, it’s been difficult to stop ruminating on what could have been. For example, I’d catch myself replaying scenarios of a past relationship in order to know why it ended. I’d also blame myself, often asking what I did wrong. It was frustrating, not to mention unproductive, as I couldn’t change what happened anyways. More importantly, I couldn’t really move on.

Years later, I’m realizing that I was actually trying to logic through my grief instead of feeling the loss of the relationship. I’ve been working hard at trying to change my thoughts from “what did I do wrong” or “what made him not want to choose me” to the goals I’ve accomplished or the things I’ve done in my life that I’m proud of. This led to that beautiful break through moment: my life looks differently than I imagined, but it’s still a good, enriching life. It’s been a game changer.

On another note, With Muchness is nine years old! Never imagined I would still be blogging (though less frequently) after all this time. Hoping you and your loved ones are safe and well during this time.

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