The Big 100 and Lessons from Somewhere: October 2013

This past month, someone told me that I was handling the uncertainty of my life “very well.” It was a big moment. Last year was quite the opposite. Most days were just a reminder that I was failing — not getting to do what I actually wanted to, falling short of my expectations, never being “enough” — and it was hard. Upon hearing these encouraging words, I wondered what had changed… like, what was I doing differently now?

It’s true what they say: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. The chaos of last year made me much more self-aware and taught me the importance of something that sounds so simple, but can seem impossible to do, asking for help.

This is what made the difference. Really, I was just too scared to let people in and didn’t want to depend on others. In truth, my desire to be seen as secure by the people around me meant that I was just harboring my issues. It was a lot to hold on to, and needless to say, I was exhausted and frustrated most of the time.

If you read my blog regularly, you know I hate being vulnerable. So obviously, this year has been about that—learning to open up and be completely myself with other people. It’s taken a lot of time, practice and hard work. I’ve read countless articles and books and have watched tons of videos on the subject. Committing to being vulnerable has meant finding the courage to sit down with my best friend and admit struggle and defeat. The truth is, I’m grateful to not be that timid girl anymore and I’m more excited about who I am now than who I was then.

This blog has been a part of the process, forcing me to share with others in a very public way. I started With Muchness to find my daring as a writer, and it was supposed to focus more on dance and book reviews. But then I realized how much I liked writing about myself (… just call me self-indulgent), and it’s become more about helping me find my “muchness” in real life.

As I type this 100th post, I want to say 1 more thing, a reminder I need to write more for my self-indulgent self…

Go pursue the passion that enriches your life, that challenges you and makes you really think about the person you actually are. Let it be something that requires bravery. It may scare you at first, and that’s good—keep working at it. It’s in the messy places that we begin to learn, so push through the wildness and let it teach you something. Let the hard times be just hard and do not let them define you. Instead, let the havoc inspire you to become better, stronger, happier; the person you really are.

 

 

 

 

 

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