My Body is Resilient

In the spring, I took a chance. I did something I haven’t done in about seven years. I used to experience it nearly everyday. It was the center of my life for so long. It literally built me, body, mind and spirit.

… I went back to ballet class. 

It all started with an Instagram post. Sara Mearns, my very favorite principal dancer at the New York City Ballet, posted a new partnership with Orza, and she was sharing what makes their innovative ballet shoe great. 

After I read it, I thought, “why don’t you get a pair?” 

It was surprising as I haven’t worn a ballet slipper in years. It made me curious as to why after all this time, I wanted these shoes.

Months and months went by. I talked about it in therapy. There was no way I could go back to class, because:

-I will be the worst one 

-I am out of shape

-I have zero turnout now

-I can’t point my toes

-I’ll disappoint the teacher

-I won’t be able to remember the combinations

-there’s no way I’ll be able to lift my legs off the ground

For months, I replayed this running list and convinced myself why I could never go back to class.

Then, one night, I was sitting at home and I saw Ms. Mearns share another Orza post. I suddenly found myself following the link to the website, adding the slippers to cart and checking out. It was one of those eerie experiences where I couldn’t explain why I had bought them. But bought them I had.

I told my therapist that I purchased the shoes, and after a few more conversations, it finally clicked.

I was denying myself the experience of going to ballet class because I don’t have the body that I had back when I was dancing. I’m not as lean, limber or strong.

My body has changed. But my body has proven its resilience. It helps me manage depression. It’s fought cancer and another pre-cancer. It helps me manage anxiety everyday. My body has endured countless scans and injections, surgery and two rounds of radiation. It survives everyday without a thyroid. It handled two rounds of IVF and egg retrievals. 

My body does amazing things for me everyday. Sure, I may not be in the shape I was, but my body carries an invisible badge of resilience I forget is there. 

And so, I went back to ballet class with a new perspective. I didn’t have to be good. I didn’t have anything to prove to anyone.

As class began and we started plies, I realized that this class was a gift to my body. I could let it move to the music and express itself, in celebration of all that it’s done for me. 

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