09/ 08/ 2013
Besides making me insecure, and maybe a little crazy, turning another year older led me to ponder thee earlier plights of my 20s. I kept coming back to this certain moment. Something was missing. It was like my memory was trying to teach me an important lesson I’d spent years overlooking. Once, while deliberating the complexities of this certain boy who happened to be in my life at that moment, a good friend said, “You deserve to get what you want,” meaning that I needed to go after whatever it was that I wanted instead of just waiting for something to happen.
I thought about this story a lot in August and, well, I guess it made me want to take more ownership over my life.
The real conundrum is that I’m much more comfortable being the shy, quiet girl than being the outgoing, persistent (in a non-annoying way) one. This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t be quiet… but there’s a major difference in being quiet and being passive. This subdued style — what I see as a gentler approach to everyday life — is much easier than actually putting yourself out there. Reaching out is hard. It requires vulnerability, courage and confidence, which we all know are difficult. In contemplating all of this, I finally achieved enlightenment: in playing passive, I was actually living passively.
And, after this epiphany, I became incredibly dramatic. I got a little mad at myself and started to wonder if my more passive approach meant that I wasn’t taking my life all that seriously. Deciding that this frustration was just further prolonging a more proactive approach, I decided to start going after what I wanted, which for me, meant channeling the wise words of my beloved Taylor Swift and living fearlessly.
Naturally I made a list of what I was truly seeking, and instead of just sitting back and waiting for something to happen, I started pursuing these things. Sure I had those, “what the heck am I doing?!” moments and it didn’t always turn out the way I hoped for. But I also learned that just because you’re going after something, and even if you deserve for things to go your way, no one is entitled to their ideal outcome.
Taking a more assertive approach made life a little simpler. I didn’t have to wonder what could’ve been and found peace of mind in knowing that it just was what it was.
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