04/ 14/ 2015
This past month, it was hard, some days, to get up, look in the mirror and convince myself that I was worthy. There were so many opportunities for my insecurities to surface: I had a major work event to prep for and run; a website launch to manage; I still felt like what happened with Ping Pong boy was my fault somehow and I was experiencing some major writers block.
The later was what I was feeling the most unease over. I hadn’t touched the book I’m writing in weeks. I knew where I wanted the story to end up, but I just couldn’t write it. When I couldn’t do the thing that makes me feel most like myself, it welcomed some brutal self-multinational: what if you’re never able to finish the book? It will be a mark of personal failure. It will mean you had no real success as a writer. It will mean you don’t have a purpose.
03/ 29/ 2015
Getting good sleep has always been challenging for me. I’m one of those people who can spend hours just lying in bed, attempting to shut my brain down. After trying many different relaxing techniques — meditating before attempting sleep, counting my breaths, making a to do list for the next day, etc — watching television is the most effective. I force myself to focus on nothing else except what’s happening on the screen, and eventually, I become so absorbed that my restless thoughts dissipate and I fall asleep.
Sometimes, not even a comedy on Netflix is enough. It’s periods like this where I know a deeper restlessness has taken hold of me. Typically it spouts from some sort of insecurity, but then other times, I can’t put my finger on it. It’s hard to ignore this fidgety feeling though, especially when it’s not identifiable. It sort of feels like a cloud of agitation is following me around wherever I go—at home, at work, in my relationships.
03/ 21/ 2015
It was early on a Sunday. For the first time in weeks, we were experiencing a temperature over 25 degrees, and it was so nice to be outside without a down coat on. While walking to Whole Foods, I pulled out my iPhone and saw that I had an unexpected text message from the guy I’d been dating. A week and a half had past since I heard from him, and I thought it was odd. But I swiped right, then read these words:
“Have had a girlfriend the entire time.”
Note: Let it be known that no girl should have to hear these words from the boy she’s been seeing (especially before her morning cup of coffee).
03/ 12/ 2015
I read Pride & Prejudice for the first time when I was in college. It’s an important book in my life. I read it in a period of more formable years, wherein I was trying to determine my opinion of the world and how I wanted to perceive the people in it. During my first read, I was struck by something Elizabeth says to Mr. Darcy: “But people themselves alter so much that there is something new to be observed in them forever.” Throughout the years, this quote has remained embedded in my memory, and it has only just begun to mean something.
At the time, I disagreed with the statement. I can recall discussing people’s ability to change over time with one of my college roommates. Having experienced some hardship by that point, I was a bit bitter, and under the impression that people never truly changed, that they were either good or bad at their core and that was it. She, on the other hand, believed we were more mailable than that, capable of making positive strides for the better despite our pasts.
