Unlikely Roots

Getting good sleep has always been challenging for me. I’m one of those people who can spend hours just lying in bed, attempting to shut my brain down. After trying many different relaxing techniques — meditating before attempting sleep, counting my breaths, making a to do list for the next day, etc — watching television is the most effective. I force myself to focus on nothing else except what’s happening on the screen, and eventually, I become so absorbed that my restless thoughts dissipate and I fall asleep.

Sometimes, not even a comedy on Netflix is enough. It’s periods like this where I know a deeper restlessness has taken hold of me. Typically it spouts from some sort of insecurity, but then other times, I can’t put my finger on it. It’s hard to ignore this fidgety feeling though, especially when it’s not identifiable. It sort of feels like a cloud of agitation is following me around wherever I go—at home, at work, in my relationships.

But then how do you attempt to fix something when you can’t identify what’s wrong? I asked a friend this very question, and we were both stumped. Call me stubborn, but I’ve never been good at accepting that’s something is just simply “unanswerable.” So I did some research, which led me to a few chapters in the book of Psalms—139, 116 and 16 (in that order).

I read these passages aloud several times, and I even cried at one point. I almost never cry, so for me, it’s always a sure sign that I’ve hit a breakthrough. I identified that at the root of my soul is a need for security, affirmation and to not experience fear, and in order for me to feel at peace (something I haven’t been feeling a lot of lately), I need to feel secure, validated and unafraid.

I’m about to make an assumption here, but I venture that very, very few of us ever feel secure 100% of the time. I’m guessing that I could also safely assume that none of us feel like our choices/actions/opinions are supported most of the time. And I know for a fact that we have all experienced fear, and do so on a regular basis. So what I’m basically saying is that my needs aren’t and likely will never be met… awesome.

What’s the next step then? I’m honestly not sure, but I think it has something to do with accepting that my position and mental health cannot be judged on whether these three needs are being fulfilled. In short, I need to uproot my roots.

 

 

 

 

 

---