10/ 03/ 2015
It has been a very full month. Between changes at work and challenges in real life, there was a lot to balance. It was like the universe wanted me to jump into some new roles: being a boss, a lover and a patient. New territory, that’s what September brought me, and it had the potential to be too much to handle.
The month reminded me of this dance piece I understudied in college. Tricky from a technical perspective, the work was nonstop with the dancers moving in tandem throughout, following intricate floor patterns. The title was fitting, The Only Way Through Is Through, because it felt that way, like going into battle and having to push on no matter what. I remember learning that work and understanding it from that perspective. In the span of a 5-day residency, I was trying to learn 3 different parts, all the while struggling to keep up with the physical demands of the work. It was intense, and there was a lot to cover in a short period of time.
09/ 29/ 2015
I am a big fan of the 90s, especially the decade’s music. Alanis Morsiette, Nirvana and Weezer are among my favorites, and there were many a female artists dominating my CD player too.
I also remember watching these women’s music videos on MTV. I was obsessed with Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn” and Jewel’s “You Were Meant for Me.” Last week, the nostalgia kicked in and I started re-watching these videos on YouTube.
I noticed something. Decades ago while watching them as a child, and later teenager, I never realized how damn pretty these women were. I just remember being blown away by the coolness of the setting and singing along, trying to imitate each woman’s unique vocal quality. I was completely oblivious to their beauty.
09/ 17/ 2015
A couple of weeks ago, I was promoted at work. While excited about the opportunity to grow professionally, I felt anxious about the change.
Now, nervous is not an unusual reaction for me. I tend to operate on high alert most days. But this was different. I felt a bit like Moses, called to do something bigger than myself, and being terrified to do it.
When I think of a leader, I see someone who commands a room with their voice, is comfortable speaking in front of people and is looked up to by their peers. I’m more of a silent leader, the type that leads by example, sitting quietly in the corner. It’s my style and I am quite comfortable with this.
09/ 08/ 2015
Last week, I facilitated my first major event at work. I wanted to look sharp, so I was zipping up one of my nicer dresses that morning. It was a little difficult, which was odd, as I’d worn it about two months before and hadn’t had any trouble getting it on.
Once zipped, I looked in the mirror and started to panic. While it still fit, it definitely looked tighter around the middle. I imagine that everyone of us — female or male — has been in this exact same place. It’s an awful feeling.
While I’ve not directly admitted this before on my blog, weight has always been a tricky topic for me. I can only recall one time in my 30 years when I felt just right about my body. Although at that point, I was not eating like a healthy, well-nourished person should. Put simply, I had chosen being thin over being healthy.
Gaining weight triggers a deep sense of shame for me. It hurts. It’s painful. I can feel down for quite a while. I get embarrassed, and feel like everyone can tell I’ve gained weight. It’s a really terrible trigger for me emotionally.
