05/ 01/ 2016
Last August, I went to the doctor for my annual check-up. It’s one of those things I always make time to do. I noticed that my doctor spent a lot of time poking around my neck. Unusual, I thought; my instincts were right, unusual she found.
After an ultrasound, it was confirmed I had a rather large solid nodule on my thyroid. My primary care physician recommended an ENT surgeon who I promptly scheduled myself to see.
The specialist did a fine needle biopsy, and we learned it was “inconclusive.” I couldn’t understand how that was possible, how indeterminate could even be an option at this day in age. But there it was growing on one of my organs, this unidentifiable mass. The surgeon recommended another biopsy in a few months. Hopefully we’d have a more certain answer at that point.
Exactly 3 months later, I was sitting in the exam chair ready for biopsy number two. This one was a little different than the fine needle biopsy. Called the Afirma Test, it would analyze if I had the genetic predisposition for thyroid cancer. Two weeks later I got the results. My doctor said it was “suspicious for cancer.”
Cancer. The scary word. I’d heard it associated with me. Me and cancer; cancer and me.
04/ 05/ 2016
Earlier this month, I was talking to my therapist. Frustrated was all I could seem to articulate. She said something that changed everything, “It’s ok to ask for what you need.”
It’s a weird thing, realizing that you aren’t comfortable asking for what matters. I’m a smart person. It’s not like I’m unaware of what I want. Granted that’s not the case all the time. Sometimes I have no clue, but most times, I do know. But I wasn’t satisfied. I needed to understand why I couldn’t ask. I thought through the actions and how I felt in the moment. There was a layer of embarrassment I hadn’t noticed before. At first, I blamed it on my Southern upbringing. False. Plenty of Southern women have no problem asking for what they needed. It had more to do with not wanting to seem high maintenance. We’ve all heard the term used negatively—no one wants to be called high maintenance. So it was decided: not asking for your needs makes you appear less high maintenance. I decided then to look at it another way. How was not asking affecting me.
03/ 06/ 2016
Over the past month, I’ve experienced some disappointments. They’ve come in a few ways. Not to sound too dramatic, but When disappointment strikes, it’s like being kicked repeatedly in the stomach. It’s a wounding sensation that sticks around.
It’s not the first time I’ve dealt with disappointment. I’ve come to realize that the greater struggle isn’t accepting that the bad things happened, but it’s the grieving period that follows.
Grief is challenging. My first instinct is to withdrawal, to push people away. To feel overwhelmingly sad, not completely aware. These are all normal reactions to grief. In February, I learned that there are more helpful ways to cope:
02/ 14/ 2016
Since starting With Muchness, I’ve written about my love for Valentine’s Day a couple of times. Call me crazy, but it really is my favorite holiday.
Source: Magic and Stardust GIF’s
The truth is, I’ve changed a bit since I first confessed my love for Valentine’s Day. I’ve become more in tune with my feelings over the past few years — I actually don’t mind having feelings these days — and I do like the occasional romantic gesture. The idea of spending Valentine’s with someone started sounding pretty fun. But, I’m spending Valentine’s Day alone. It’s not a new scenario for me, just not what I was expecting this year.
