Lessons from Somewhere: March 2016

Earlier this month, I was talking to my therapist. Frustrated was all I could seem to articulate. She said something that changed everything, “It’s ok to ask for what you need.”

It’s a weird thing, realizing that you aren’t comfortable asking for what matters. I’m a smart person. It’s not like I’m unaware of what I want. Granted that’s not the case all the time. Sometimes I have no clue, but most times, I do know.

But I wasn’t satisfied. I needed to understand why I couldn’t ask. I thought through the actions and how I felt in the moment. There was a layer of embarrassment I hadn’t noticed before. At first, I blamed it on my Southern upbringing. False. Plenty of Southern women have no problem asking for what they needed. It had more to do with not wanting to seem high maintenance.

We’ve all heard the term used negatively—no one wants to be called high maintenance.

So it was decided: not asking for your needs makes you appear less high maintenance. I decided then to look at it another way. How was not asking affecting me.

That was a zinger:

What it means is that I don’t find my needs valid enough to ask.
What it means is that I don’t think I’m worthy enough to have my needs met.
What it means is that I’m silencing myself, losing my voice.
What it means is that I’m running away, and planting the seeds for insecurity.
After looking at this list, it’s clear that I’m making things more difficult than they need to be. I know myself – a logical human – that would be reasonable about my needs. It’s not like I would suddenly turn into a diva. No attitude here.

I started small. The first was a text to my friend, asking her to listen. Then I reached out to my friends who offered to visit and actually asked them to come.

I was honoring myself first, something that must be done before fully being able to give back to others.

 

 

 

 

 

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