Relationships: Why I’m Not in One

Yesterday, I had a few hours to kill in Chelsea. I looked around my favorite thrift store and didn’t find anything I wanted to try on. Then, I remembered, this coffee shop I’ve wanted to check out in the neighborhood and decided that it was a perfect chance to do so.

I started walking the 6 blocks and 1 avenue there and decided to dial up my good friend Liz. She answered. I told her my plan. She asked what the name of this coffee shop was. “Grumpy or Grumpys coffee or something like that,” I said. I heard a series of soft chuckles. “Some how that seems very fitting for you.” I smiled and let her know she was right. Liz. She’s just perceptive like that.

 

When I got there, I ordered the most amazing iced decaf soy latte I’ve ever had, found a seat and sat down. I took out my current read — Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller — removed my favorite bookmark from the spine, and dug in. I finished one chapter and turned the page to start the next. I knew it would be particularly juicy given the title: “Relationships.” As I read, I couldn’t stop giggling. There I sat, in the middle of a Grumpy place, laughing like a teenager at this book. I’m sure I seemed like a nutter.

I laughed because every reason that Miller gave for being scared of relationships mirrored my fears of being in one. For the record, I don’t date. I’ve only been in one serious relationship, 3 years, and I thought we’d eventually get married. I was a mess when it ended; that was 7 years ago. I don’t get crushes. Since that break-up I’ve only had feelings for 3 guys and I never told any of them (though I think each figured it out in time). Usually, I feel that I know as much about liking boys or being in a relationship as an awkward middle school girl with braces.

One passage particularly resonated with me:

“I don’t want to get married right away. I think it will take me a while after I meet a girl. I like being single. I am one of the few who like it. I want to marry a girl who, when I am with her, makes me feel alone. I guess what I am saying is, I want to marry a girl whom I feel completely comfortable with, comfortable being myself.” p. 142

I, like Miller, enjoy being single. Sure, I have my moments where I want a partner, and I really do want to be married one day—but that’s not now. Being single feels safer, less vulnerable. Miller says he wants someone he’s “completely comfortable with, comfortable being” himself. That’s the thing, I want that too, but I’m terrified of that because it means someone will see the real, flawed and insecure me.

There’s a Sex and the City episode where Steve is trying to convince Miranda that they should move in together. Miranda arrives at her apartment late with two bags of groceries in tow; Steve has been waiting for her. Miranda enters, apologizing for being late and explaining that she didn’t know what the difference between “virgin and extra-virgin olive oil” was, so she bought “the stuff in a jar.” Then, the spaghetti sauce drops, busting through the brown paper bag, littering the hardwood floor. She drops both bags, has a “I give up” expression on her face, and says:

Miranda:I can’t. I can’t do this.

Steve:We’ll order pizza, it’s no big deal.

Miranda:It’s a big fucking deal. I just spilled marinara sauce and you saw that. I drop things, ok?

Steve:Ok… so do I.

Miranda: I do love you but I’ve never lived with anybody before; and I’m stubborn; and I like the remote; and I can’t cook. I don’t do laundry sometimes for like two weeks; and my sponges smell. You’re gonna see all that and I’m scared. And I don’t know if I can move forward, but I really don’t want to lose you.

Miranda expresses another one of my apprehensions. I have a need to be perfect. I’ve spent most of my twenties trying to be and have finally learned that I won’t ever achieve perfection. The idea of letting someone so closely into my life, that they get to know the real me, and witness my flaws and insecurities first-hand makes me go a little crazy. It’s like I’m sharing a secret and they’re in on it.

People have asked and continue to ask me why I’m still single. Very frankly, I say that I need to figure myself out before I can figure someone else out. After pondering my singleness over the past 24-hours, I can see how it’s still very true.

 

 

 

 

P.S. This passage, also from Miller’s book, particularly made me smile.

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