Facing Confrontation

If asked what I dreaded most when I was a teenager and twenty-something, I would have said confrontation. It didn’t matter what type of conversation: a fight, a break up or something as simple as telling the Starbuck’s barista that I’d ordered an iced pumpkin spiced latte, not a hot one. It’s not that I didn’t want to speak up. I simply felt too afraid to do so.

After eight and a half years of living in New York City, my mindset on confrontation has shifted. This shift is in part a result of NYC’s ecosystem. New Yorkers are more intense and stubborn—a perfect storm for heated conversations. Confrontation seemed to happen every day, and I had to become comfortable with it in order to feel more at ease in the City.

Looking back, I wanted to identify how exactly my mind shift had changed. Here’s what I learned and what helped make confrontation feel more natural:

1. Accept that you can’t fully connect with others without some degree of confrontation. I started by thinking about all the reasons why I avoided confrontation, and it was primarily motivated by a desire to keep the peace. I was certainly avoiding interpersonal conflicts this way; however, I felt more passive, less engaged and more anxious because my thoughts and feelings weren’t ever really heard. Once I started speaking up more, I began to understand that I was missing out on the type of connection that manifests during tough conversations. Confrontation can actually bring you closer to someone; it can also show you the true nature of a person, be it good or bad. Once I started seeing confrontation as connection, it became less intimidating.

2. By not engaging in confrontation, I was consistently putting others needs before mine. As a young person, I’d learned the importance of being selfless and putting others first. I would go out of my way to be overly accommodating and/or polite to a point where I became resentful. I would think, “Well, I’m compromising, so why isn’t this person willing to compromise too?” But it wasn’t that the other person wasn’t willing to meet my needs. They were simply able to identify and advocate for their needs whereas I expected them to subliminally discern mine and meet them (which no one can do!). Once I started sharing my needs in the conversation, we were both able to make compromises and have our needs met.

3. It’s hard to argue with logic and facts. My biggest fear around confrontation was not knowing how the person I confronted would react. I was scared that they would start yelling or call me dramatic or say something hurtful. To counterbalance this fear, I would tell myself, “It’s hard to argue with logic and facts.” It made me stay relaxed instead of getting so worked up and anxious before a hard talk. It was also a great reminder that the other person’s reaction had nothing to do with me. They were responding to their thoughts and feelings about the facts, not their thoughts and feelings about me.

As I have become more comfortable with confrontation, it’s been amazing to see how much more certain in myself and confident I feel. I am more honest about my needs and like feeling heard. Even if the conversation doesn’t go smoothly or the outcome isn’t ideal, it’s empowering to not be so afraid to speak up.

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