Dating with Boundaries

As you may recall, before 2015, I hadn’t been on a date for almost 10 years. I’ve been back in the dating pool now for about three and a half years, and, Carrie Bradshaw was right about one thing: it’s tough out there.

In New York, it’s very difficult to meet new people. I actually don’t know a single single-friend in New York that doesn’t date online. The days where folks meet in the park or at the grocery store are few and far between, because that requires time and taking a moment to say hello. Flirting must be done efficiently, after all, and having to craft witty one-liners in person takes more energy then sending a quick hello message from the comfort of your home in your PJs with a glass of chardonnay.

Since getting back in the dating game, I’ve only met one guy in real time. Ping pong was involved and served as an excellent icebreaker. The other guys were introduced to me via an online dating profile wherein we both swiped right and/or hit it off through a series of surface level messages about football, traveling and/or food.

I’ve learned a few things along the way. As a person with social anxiety, I couldn’t imagine showing up to meet a virtual stranger and being able to have a conversation with them for an extended period of time. Overtime, I began to see online dating as an opportunity to face my fear of meeting new people. I’m glad to have faced it, because now I am able to carry on a long conversation with a guy without coming close to a panic attack… progress, I say.

I’ve also learned that going on multiple dates with someone doesn’t mean you’re actually dating. Dating is it’s own level, occurring somewhere after “I like you,” and before putting a label on it.

Another take away is that “let’s keep things casual” is a catch phrase for, “I don’t want to actually date you, but I will text when I feel like hanging out… BUT only when I want to do so.” These bros are perfectly entitled to craft their definition of casual in that way; however, when you are not interested in this kind of relationship, yet every guy you meet is, it becomes a real pickle.

After having a guy I’d been seeing for a couple months ghost on me, I questioned why I was completely failing at meeting someone nice and respectful. It was so simple. I needed to set some boundaries for myself first.

This is different than setting boundaries for your potential partner (i.e. must be a non-smoker, must like cats, etc.). Setting boundaries for yourself means putting yourself first. It means not settling for less than you deserve even though that may mean being alone for a while or breaking up and starting over yet again. It means respecting yourself enough to demand respect from guys too. It means reflecting on how you feel with someone versus focusing on if they like you or not. It means having confidence and the courage to be yourself.

After setting these boundaries, I did some more thinking.

Dating with a low return rate had prompted questions like, “what’s wrong with me,” and “why doesn’t anyone want to date me?” In these instances, I immediately assumed that I wasn’t enough for the other person.

But, my newly established boundaries taught me that it wasn’t about me not being enough, but about me not holding myself accountable. I was compromising too much and in some cases settling for less than I wanted just because I didn’t want to be alone any more. In short, I was essentially choosing to date men that weren’t the right men for me.

Dating has certainly been a frustrating process, but I’m choosing to listen to myself; focus on what I actually want and to date with intention. Hopefully this will lead me on a better path, one with nice guys that won’t ghost on me or make me feel less than I am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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