05/ 26/ 2018
For those of you that don’t actually know me, I work in fundraising for an orchestra. I managed our gala, the largest fundraising event of the year, in March. When it was over, I felt grumpy and knew I needed a vacation.
I put in a leave request and planned a last minute trip to Florida. It was a great trip. I hung out with my parents, saw family and friends, watched a lot of television and spent time outside in the heat. I also had a lot of time to think.
Since January, I haven’t felt able to think really clearly. Life has been busy, especially with the gala planning, but even when I slowed down, I felt pretty foggy. I kept hitting pause on the same thought: I have no idea what it is that I actually want to do.
On vacation, I learned that I actually do know what I want, which I’m going to keep to myself for now. One thing I will share though is that I want to stop apologizing for wanting the things that I want. I do this constantly. Actually, this is something many women do. We preface our desires and even sometimes our needs with a “I’m sorry, but…” Why do I feel the need to apologize? Is there something that I actually need to apologize for or is it a habit?
I also know that I want to stop feeling so small. I want to stop letting the opinions of others determine the course of my life. I want to feel like I am getting what I want, and this means that I’ll have to make some changes. These changes will happen slowly and take time. Change, after all, takes time, and I will make progress patiently.
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