Lessons from Somewhere: January 2018

January came and went faster than I could’ve imagined. This month, I’ve focused on building a practice of learning and discovery—one of my resolutions for the New Year.

I committed to doing a self-help workbook with the very cheesy title of Calling in the One, which was written by psychotherapist Katherine Woodward Thomas. The book is written for women that have been single for a while, but desire to be in a lasting relationship. The book is a big commitment. There are seven weeks in the program, which include a daily reading and homework.

I need to note for the record that I was skeptical of this book from the beginning. I didn’t like that the book’s premise implied there was something wrong with me. But, as I’ve learned, the workbook doesn’t have that intention nor is it a how to guide of how to become more desirable to men.

I’m half way through week six and have learned so much about myself over the past several weeks. A major takeaway is that I had some unhealthy relationship patterns that I needed to release in order to define new ways of being in a healthy relationship.

One pattern: I don’t like to cause trouble for others, and I want to avoid being labeled as a difficult person. Due to these fears, I overly compromise. This isn’t just limited to romantic relationships, but all relationships. I glaze over in order to please others. It’s no wonder I often feel disappointed by people as I’m not claiming agency over my own experiences. I also am putting my fate in the hands of someone else. That’s a lot of power to give to someone, let alone a massive responsibility for them to bear.

Perhaps the biggest lesson I’ve learned though is that a big part of being in a successful, lasting and fulfilling relationship includes knowing yourself so well that you know what it is you are actually looking for at that time. This could mean dating casually or being willing to walk away from a relationship that is not truly healthy for you. It’s really about choosing the path that will meet the life intentions you have set for yourself. And that’s a lot of what this book has been about, learning about you, your needs and understanding what kind of partner will best support those things.

The most exciting part about reading this book is realizing that many of my unhealthy habits are learned and can be unlearned. Self-discovery is a constant process. Even after years of therapy, conversations with friends and lots of journaling, I still have more to learn about myself. Knowing this feels freeing, like I have the freedom to self-reflect, re-define and re-program. Change is always possible.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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