Lessons from Somewhere: November 2017

I’ve read a couple of Brené Brown’s books over the years, but didn’t get around to reading her third book Rising Strong until last month. While it encompasses similar themes from her previous two books, namely the power of vulnerability and the need for connection, Rising Strong guides the reader through the process of getting back up after experiencing failure.

One chapter felt particularly challenging. In it, Brené’s therapist, Diane, asks a complex question: do you believe everyone is doing the best they can every day?

Brené and I had the same response: hell no. But, her therapist felt differently. Diane believed everyone really did the best they could every day.

Brené talks about the emotional roller coaster that resulted from Diane’s question. This lead her on a quest to prove Diane wrong and conducted a series of interviews wherein she asked Diane’s question. To Brené’s (and might I add my surprise) there were far more yes responses than nos.

Her research also revealed something that may seem obvious. The folks that said they didn’t think everyone did the best they could every day were more likely to be perfectionists, the gold star seekers and/or the ones that needed positive affirmations for a job well done.

As a recovering perfectionist, it wasn’t surprising to me that my initial response to Diane’s question was a firm hell no. But later on, I got to thinking about how responding no affected me. It merits a skepticism of humanity, enforcing the belief that people are unreliable. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve said, “I’ll just do it myself, because I know it will be done right.”

Responding no also, enforces my distrust of other people. When they say, “I did my best,” I question if they actually did or make a mental list of the ways they fell short.

And responding no means that I’m cultivating a sense of hostility that will absolutely affect my attitude and interactions with other people.

Toward the end of the chapter, Brené asks her husband Steve the question. It takes him a long time to respond, but he says, “I don’t know. I really don’t know. All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should be (Rising Strong, 113).”

Steve chooses to believe that people really are doing the best they can every day because it aligns more strongly with the person that he wants to be. The idea that we can choose what we believe, that it doesn’t have to be an instinctual yes or no, was powerful to me.

While Brené’s argument is compelling, I think there’s definitely room for debate. But at least for now, like Steve, I want to choose the belief that most closely aligns with the person I want to be. I don’t want to be skeptical, distrustful or hostile toward others, and that’s reason enough.

 

 

 

 

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