Sincerely 2016

In my year-end post last year, I wrote about my nervousness for 2016. There were unknowns in three different areas of my life: my non-labeled relationship, job and health. Just as I predicted, big changes came for all three.

The year started with learning that the guy I loved didn’t know how he felt about me. Talk about painful. Months of not understanding, of feeling like I must have done something wrong, of blaming myself went by. In late-September, it finally started to become clear that I was not at all to blame. He never treated me as well as I deserved, and it took really understanding that to move forward.

With work, I learned that my current position would be cut in June 2017. I have time to find a new job, and I am incredibly grateful for that.

I also had my thyroid removed in 2016, and heard the C-word. Cancer truly does suck, but it also taught me a lot. I learned about grief and that people won’t always deal with trauma in a kind and considerate way (and that’s ok because they’re shocked too). Some of my friendships changed, and I decided that that’s ok too because I want to spend my time with people who I can depend on. Getting cancer also made me question where I am in life, and I realized I’m not exactly where I want to be.

A couple themes are standing out to me as I reflect on the past year. They’re not really new ideas, but they are new to me.

The first is a quote from Oprah Winfrey, “I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want me.” Before, I felt like I had to perform for other people in order to gain their favor. Like with the breakup, I assumed it was my fault, that I hadn’t been enough for him. All I can be everyday is me. Of course I want to be a good person and treat people with respect. But performing in order to ensure people like me isn’t showing myself much goodness and respect. In fact, it’s modeling a belief of unworthiness and insecurity.

Like many folks, I became obsessed with Beyoncé’s 2016 release Lemonade. I listened to it on repeat for months. It helped me identify what emotional responses I was experiencing with my ex-whatever he was, work and cancer: intuition, denial, anger, apathy, emptiness, accountability, reformation, forgiveness, resurrection, hope and redemption.

The album’s title is my metaphor for the past year. Like Jay Z’s grandmother, Hattie White, says on the album, “I had my ups and downs, but I always find the inner strength to pull myself up. I was served lemons, but I made lemonade.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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