07/ 27/ 2015
There’s that saying: communication is key. It’s played consistently in my mind, at work and in real life. Details are important and they should be shared—it’s my mantra, a virtue I live by. So it shouldn’t be surprising that I’ve always needed people to communicate with me. I just drive myself crazy with the what’s this or that mean, what if this happens, etc.
This past month, I picked up on something. I’ve started to notice just how difficult it is for me to communicate. I’m not very good at saying what I’m feeling or need. It’s intimidating, and I often feel uncomfortable and awkward speaking up. Instead I like to leave the talking to the other person, letting them bring up the bigger questions, the important issues first.
There’s a problem with this kind of logic. I’m essentially waiting for someone to make the call and not letting myself be heard. In not talking through what feels important to me, it’s like I’m getting lost in the relationship. I start feeling voiceless, and like I have no say. It’s quite clear that this one’s on me, not the other person. I’m at blame because I’m the one holding me back.
I also wonder: why don’t I want to speak out? Yes, it’s scary, but there’s got to be more to it than that, more than even the fear of being vulnerable. Maybe it’s the pressure of being judged by the other person, of having them find my thoughts absurd or out of line.
The other night, I reminded a friend that she didn’t want to date someone who couldn’t handle her doing something awkward or saying something embarrassing. She wants a guy who can brush it off and accept her no matter what. Seems like I need to heed my own advice.
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