07/ 13/ 2015
I have this tendency. I always thought it was a good one, a polite habit that proved I was raised well, like saying please or thank you or holding open doors for people. I say sorry a lot, even when it’s not merited, and over time, it’s become a sort of automatic response.
Lately I’ve realized that when I say sorry, it’s actually a measure of my confidence. When I apologize to people out of habit, it’s because I don’t trust my own work, ideas or instincts. I’m not apologizing to them because I’ve done something wrong; I’m saying sorry because I’m embarrassed I wasn’t enough, that I hadn’t thought ahead or prepared enough.
For me, it’s far easier to say sorry than to stand up for myself. My sister Julie impressed me as a child because she had no problem telling others what she thought. I often wished I could operate with a similar sense of audacity, but it never felt natural for me.
I’m not saying I’m going to stop apologizing, because I can be a real pain sometimes, and I do need to apologize in those situations. But I do want to work on being more aware when I want to say it, of pausing first and asking am I really sorry about this, or am I just hiding from my insecurities?
I am clever, kind and am well intentioned. I should be able to stand by me. I mean, if I can’t stand by my choices or decisions, how can I expect anyone to stand by me?
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