A Question of When

I spent most of last weekend indoors, recharging after a very hectic work week. It was nice, laying in bed, reading, listening to music and watching television—without the guilt of feeling like I should be doing something more productive.

After hours of leisure, I noticed a pattern. In most cases — the book I read, the music I listened to, the television I watched — someone admitted deeply personal feelings to another someone. These feelings weren’t always sentiments of love. But in each instance, being vulnerable meant risking themselves — and perhaps affecting their future — and that is scary. Think about how little control is maintained when you put yourself fully out there. Many times, the next steps depend on the other person’s reaction, and that’s a lot of pressure to put on a situation.

They say that timing is everything, and I began to wonder, how do you know when the moment has come to put your heart on the line?

Let’s back track a bit. I ended up going on another date with the “Ping Pong Guy” (as a friend of mine calls him). We’d decided to meet up for a drink with a few of my friends. We ended up going to his apartment later in the evening, and after a while, I decided that I needed to make it clear that I would not be sleeping with him that night or for a while, to be perfectly honest. I just wasn’t ready. Before I said anything, I knew that this would probably be the make it or break it moment, that he would either be ok with this or not.

It was uncomfortable to say the words, but I knew I had to say them. To not would have meant compromising myself and my limits. After replaying the night in my head, I uncovered the answer to my earlier question. The moment to speak up comes when your core beliefs are called into question, when the circumstances aren’t aligning with what you know is best for you.

A couple days later, I heard from Ping Pong Guy. He said he’d had a great time and asked how I was, but I didn’t hear anything after that, even after I told him very directly that I wanted to see him again. I was a bit bummed at first, but then I realized that this was probably his way of being true to himself, and I couldn’t fault him for that.

It’s nice, though, that I can look back at the night, and realize that in speaking up, I gained some self-respect.

 

 

 

 

 

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