Lessons from Somewhere: February 2014

I’ve never been good at standing up for myself. It’s a fear, pushing back, and the idea of speaking up makes me really anxious. Also, If I’m aware that a hard conversation is looming, I spend far too much time and energy trying to predict how the person will react to what I say:

Will it make them mad if I say XYZ?
Will they yell at me if I say XYZ?
If I say XYZ, will they be disappointed in me?

Conflict, quite literally, sends me into a mental tailspin.

However taxing, the universe has apparently decided that this is the year in which I will learn: how to handle interpersonal conflicts more gracefully and how to defend myself.

Part of the reason I freak out over tough talks is that I have this idea, that if I do speak up, I’ll be perceived as loud, obnoxious and self-fish (think Veruca Salt in Charlie in the Chocolate Factory… not becoming).

But there is another reason, which I’m only now realizing.

This past month, I had to have a hard talk with a nameless someone, and had to decide if I was going to sit there and listen to them rip me apart or say something. It wasn’t the first time I’d had to make this call with this individual. There were several times before when I’d met with them one on one and I’d let them hurt me. I’d usually just sit there, petrified, trying not to cry, choosing not to voice my concerns.

While preparing for this talk with this particular person, I realized that I entered these situations expecting to be bullied. Overtime, this expectation took a toll, and I started to believe that I really was incapable and unworthy.

After speaking with a wise friend, I realized that playing the peace maker and not trying to defend myself was actually hurting me more than helping resolve the conflict in a more amiable fashion.

I also began to wonder…

If I let people tell me I’m not good enough, what does that say about how I regard myself?

Am I treating myself with respect and integrity if I just sit and do nothing?

How can I expect others to be kind to me if I’m not kind to myself?

I wouldn’t say I’ve mastered how to enter these types of talks by any means. For me, realizing that not saying anything actually makes everything worse is a big first step.

—Jaime

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