07/ 07/ 2016
I’ve felt more anxious in the past month than I have in a while. There wasn’t a dramatic shift. It was actually some time before I noticed anything. The tipping point was being too nervous to send a text message. A few other scenarios like this occurred, most involving saying no to someone.
Saying no is hard for many people. I thought through the reasons why. I determined that I wasn’t saying no carelessly. I’d actually given each decision a lot of thought. I realized that I was actually following the boundaries I’d set for myself.
06/ 16/ 2016
In a newsletter last month, I shared some surprising information. I did the math and realized I was spending just over $8,606 a year on take out, daily Starbucks visits and lunch once per week at work.
Actually, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s back up a bit. It all started during a phone call with a friend. She has finished her first year of cutting way back on spending. In just one year, she has paid down half of her family’s debt!
This blew my mind. Not only is she paying down her debt, she is still enjoying her life. Instead of dinners out, she cooks and invites people over. She and her husband find free activities in their city for entertainment, and instead of buying books, she goes to the library and borrows them.
06/ 02/ 2016
It’s been a while since I’ve heard the voice of my internal critic. Last year was the first year I can remember being able to silence the voice, the one that demands perfection. Of course I had some hard moments, but overall, it was a non-issue.
I thought it would be good to give the voice a name, so I’ll call her Betty. She constantly belittles, arguing that I’m not [blank] enough (pretty, smart, desirable, etc). Betty will spend an entire day focusing on what I can do better and how I can be better. She questions every choice I try to make. Betty also likes to obsess over my physical appearance, including my shape, size, weight, the appearance of cellulite, my complexion, thigh width… I could go on here.
Betty has good intentions. She thinks that if I can meet her list of expectations, nothing could actually be wrong, because I would have achieved perfection.
05/ 18/ 2016
I’ve always liked peace and quiet. Solitude is something I need. It’s how I relax and unwind, where I feel most at home. It’s healing for me.
I’ve learned this past month that craving alone time is different than feeling lonely. Loneliness is a new sensation, not something I’ve felt for an extended period of time before.
I wasn’t sure what to call it at first. Loneliness felt more like a silent observer, always there and not saying anything. She wasn’t malicious or trying to hurt me. She was just there and I felt her effects.
