Lesson from Somewhere: May 2016

It’s been a while since I’ve heard the voice of my internal critic. Last year was the first year I can remember being able to silence the voice, the one that demands perfection. Of course I had some hard moments, but overall, it was a non-issue.

I thought it would be good to give the voice a name, so I’ll call her Betty. She constantly belittles, arguing that I’m not [blank] enough (pretty, smart, desirable, etc). Betty will spend an entire day focusing on what I can do better and how I can be better. She questions every choice I try to make. Betty also likes to obsess over my physical appearance, including my shape, size, weight, the appearance of cellulite, my complexion, thigh width… I could go on here.

Betty has good intentions. She thinks that if I can meet her list of expectations, nothing could actually be wrong, because I would have achieved perfection.

This logically makes sense. The thing is perfection constantly shifts, which is why Betty’s system never works. Perfection is not a stagnant sort of checklist, like if you check off everything on this list, meeting these stated set of expectations, you’ll be perfect. It’s not a formula. If it were that easy, there wouldn’t be so many of us struggling with perfectionism.

Not having approval or acceptance from others is Betty’s main trigger. It’s no coincidence that the perfection is starting to feel overwhelming. I was broken up with and found out there was cancer growing in my body—both made me feel flawed. I’ve started online dating again and it’s not going well. I’m missing approval and acceptance, and facing rejection.

The truth is I will never get Betty’s approval. I will continue to feel rejected by her, and not just by Betty, but also by friends, family, colleagues and others people. Rejection is a part of living. I have to learn how to take it and cope. It was good to have a moment of clarity, to realize that Betty was back. Here are a few coping strategies I’m trying out:

TALKING BACK: Betty is mean. She says crazy shit that isn’t true. While I know this, it’s easy to believe her in the moment. So instead of taking it, I’m going to talk back and call Betty out on her crazy.

TELEPHONE: I’m a frequent call screener, I’ll admit it. If I’m in a really rejected place mentally, I will not answer the phone. The thing is, there’s great value in picking up. Even if I don’t want to talk it out with someone, it’s a chance to get out of my own head and listen to a friend.

PRAYER & MEDITATION: this keeps me from catastrophizing, from letting the viciousness of my perfection over take my mind.

It’s not a long list of strategies, but it’s a start to just saying no to Betty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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