05/ 18/ 2016
I’ve always liked peace and quiet. Solitude is something I need. It’s how I relax and unwind, where I feel most at home. It’s healing for me.
I’ve learned this past month that craving alone time is different than feeling lonely. Loneliness is a new sensation, not something I’ve felt for an extended period of time before.
I wasn’t sure what to call it at first. Loneliness felt more like a silent observer, always there and not saying anything. She wasn’t malicious or trying to hurt me. She was just there and I felt her effects.
Logically, it seemed that loneliness was a sign. A signal that something was off and needed to be addressed. But I didn’t feel on the verge of a breakdown. I mean I was feeling ok (or as ok as someone going through cancer treatments could be).
I didn’t ignore it exactly, but a couple months went by. I’d decided to rationalize it, believing that the universe wanted me to experience solitude right now. I kept trying to stay connected by spending time with people, long phone calls with friends or happy hours. I was working on it.
With the radioactive iodine treatments, you have to spend 48 hours in isolation. Thankfully, this wasn’t in the hospital, but at home. The night before, I’d had enough wine to enhance my courage and called a friend.
“I’m lonely,” I said.
It was quite easy to say it in the moment, which surprised me. I’d known what I was, but hadn’t admitted it flat out to someone else. It felt like a relief to not shoulder it on my own anymore.
The next day, she sent me a reading that was posted on a bulletin board at her work:
I’ve read this passage several times and I’m still not sure I understand it fully. But what it’s saying to me now, in this moment, is to lean into the discomfort of feeling alone. To let myself feel uncomfortable and absorb the pain, the insecurity and doubt. Because it’s where the learning will happen.
I’m not sure I understand it either… but standing next to the grand canyon I don’t understand it either — both beautiful, deep, rough, incomprehensible.
Haha, I like that we both don’t get it, but resonate with it enough that we can get something from it!