Drowning Shame

Last week, I facilitated my first major event at work. I wanted to look sharp, so I was zipping up one of my nicer dresses that morning. It was a little difficult, which was odd, as I’d worn it about two months before and hadn’t had any trouble getting it on.

Once zipped, I looked in the mirror and started to panic. While it still fit, it definitely looked tighter around the middle. I imagine that everyone of us — female or male — has been in this exact same place. It’s an awful feeling.

While I’ve not directly admitted this before on my blog, weight has always been a tricky topic for me. I can only recall one time in my 30 years when I felt just right about my body. Although at that point, I was not eating like a healthy, well-nourished person should. Put simply, I had chosen being thin over being healthy.

Gaining weight triggers a deep sense of shame for me. It hurts. It’s painful. I can feel down for quite a while. I get embarrassed, and feel like everyone can tell I’ve gained weight. It’s a really terrible trigger for me emotionally.

I’d stayed closer to the office that night, so I had no other outfits to change into. I was stuck in this dress for the whole day, and not feeling good about that.

I thought getting busy with setting up for the event would be a good distraction, but it simply numbed the shame, it didn’t address it. I knew I needed to get grounded. It was 7:30a in the morning, but I texted my friend and told her what I was feeling–ashamed of my body.

We talked through it. By the end, I’d come to a realization: I’d been really happy in those past two months since last wearing the dress. The extra weight was happy weight: ice cream at midnight and good meals and priceless memories with other people. Why was I going to ruin all of this joy by drowning it in shame?

That was my ah-ha moment, the break through. I was still bothered and upset by the weight gain, but I could focus again. The extra pounds no longer owned me.

So I moved on. I lead the event in the slightly tighter dress and it was all fine. Because my body hadn’t spited me. It hadn’t disappointed me or let me down by retaining more weight. I was enjoying living and needed to continue doing just that.

 

 

 

 

 

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