06/ 24/ 2015
Last week, I was at a conference in Miami. I’ve lived in NYC for nearly 4 years, but Florida still feels more comfortable to me. The way the humidity feels against my skin; the fact that there’s almost always a palm tree to be found on each and every corner; the way it smells here, fresh and faintly salty. It just feels warm to me.
Lately, I’ve been feeling misplaced, like I don’t really belong anywhere or live in a place that I can truly call home. What’s more difficult is the sense of scatteredness, of thinking that I’m not in the right place or pursuing what’s really going to be fulfilling for me in the longterm. It’s frustrating to be an organized, Type A kind of person, who’s just over a month from turning 30, and not able name what it is that I want to do with my life.
On my trip, I was walking through a Miami neighborhood called Wynwood Arts District. Each building had 
a charm of it’s own, like a mural painted on the side or an Art Deco influence. As I looked down at the sidewalk, I noticed some stenciled quotes and art pieces. One of them struck something in me:
I know there’s more to life than what I’m doing right now, but I can’t identify what the more is. I don’t want each day to feel the same. Sometimes, it seems like I’m just waiting for something to happen. I don’t mean for it to sound like I’m discounting the drifting. There’s certainly value in uncertainty, and having your roots somewhere imaginative, where your mind wanders and plays. But how does that kind of fantasy mix with the real world?
I don’t know where I’m going or what’s next for me. I’m a little afraid actually, but I do know that I never want my head to come out of the clouds. I never want to stop dreaming. So I think what I’m saying is that I want both stability and play. Is that even possible?
Happy upcoming birthday, Jaime! This post really resonated with me. Like you, I feel that I’m in a period of transition and am desperately trying to summon the courage to make some major changes in my life. That said, I think you may have unwittingly answered some of your own questions here. You say that even though you’ve been living in NYC for several years, you feel more comfortable in Florida. That’s really important. Maybe it wasn’t an accident that your conference was in Miami. It’s so gorgeous there, and there’s such a strong arts community. Perhaps God/the universe was sending you a hint. You also said you knew your weren’t pursuing what’s going to be fulfilling long-term. If I remember correctly, didn’t you turn down some sort of teaching job when you moved to the city? You’ve described yourself a number of times as Type A, organized, and introverted, and you have a clear, concise, academic-type writing style. Maybe teaching would better suit your personality (not to mention having summers off to relax and travel!) and give you that balance of stability and play that you’re craving. Of course we should always have goals and dreams, but I’m coming to realize that it’s o.k. if those change over time. We’re not the same people we were at 12 or 18 or even 25. If something you always thought you wanted–or that others expected of you– doesn’t seem to fit any longer, don’t think of it as failure–think of it as growth.
Hey Emily, thanks for sharing your thoughts. You’ve got some wisdom in there! Especially when you said, “We’re not the same people we were at 12 or 18 or even 25.” I’ve been reminding myself of that lately because it’s ok that my goals have changed now at nearly 30… and they’ll probably change again at 33! Maybe it’s really about approaching each phase of life with a little flexibility?