04/ 14/ 2015
This past month, it was hard, some days, to get up, look in the mirror and convince myself that I was worthy. There were so many opportunities for my insecurities to surface: I had a major work event to prep for and run; a website launch to manage; I still felt like what happened with Ping Pong boy was my fault somehow and I was experiencing some major writers block.
The later was what I was feeling the most unease over. I hadn’t touched the book I’m writing in weeks. I knew where I wanted the story to end up, but I just couldn’t write it. When I couldn’t do the thing that makes me feel most like myself, it welcomed some brutal self-multinational: what if you’re never able to finish the book? It will be a mark of personal failure. It will mean you had no real success as a writer. It will mean you don’t have a purpose.
I’ve never liked the phrase “fake it till you make it.” Perhaps it’s because I just don’t like to fake anything. But I found this adaptation of the cliche helpful: face it and you’ll eventually make it.
I learned that burying the bad and covering it up (faking it) wasn’t personally satisfying. In fact doing so made me feel like a major liar. While it was far more complicated to confront the shame and unease, it let me feel more human some how. I had to stop ignoring the discomfort and instead lean into it whole heartedly.
The real lesson was in learning to acknowledge that these insecurities aren’t forever, they’re just my for now, and eventually, they too will pass.
How exciting, Jaime! Had no idea you were writing a book. When is it being published? Would love to read it since I always enjoy your blog posts.
Hey Emily! Yes, writing a book, which still feels a little unreal. I really appreciate you saying that! Tweaking the first draft now, so it will be a while before I try to publish. I’ll definitely keep ya’ll posted!