02/ 12/ 2017
Each year I blog about Valentine’s Day. It’s been my favorite holiday since I was in elementary school. I loved getting candy and valentine’s at school. I loved the color scheme—reds, pinks and creams. And I loved the idea of love being all around me. It’s a day where we honor and appreciate those we love (and that is something we should be doing regularly). But when we all remember this together on the same day it’s powerful.
As I get older, I turned 31 last summer, Valentine’s Day is starting to feel harder. Being single on Valentine’s Day hadn’t bothered me much until turning 30. Maybe it’s because I remember being young and looking forward to spending the day with the family I would have one day. Or, more likely, it’s probably because I can count the number of single friends I have left on one hand—and that includes myself.
My intention is not to sound bitter about still being single. Do I feel frustrated, angry or sad about it? Absolutely, but not all the time. More than anything, singleness triggers feelings of insecurity.
How do you not feel disappointed that you’re alone?
How do you not wonder if there’s something wrong with you?
How do you not question your self-worth?
I often ask God to tell me why I’m still alone. He’s told me that I want a life partner right now because I think it will fix everything. It will mean that someone finds me attractive enough and loves me enough to say until death do us part. It’s a mark of validation. A life-long commitment is like my ticket to feeling real acceptance, and the end of unworthiness.
While I feel this way, logic overpowers my senses. I’m aware enough to know that being in a committed relationship isn’t an instant fix. I may feel some relief for a little while, but it will be fleeting. You can give someone a fish, or you can teach them how to fish. A long term commitment from a man will absolutely not change how I feel about myself. Only I can change that.
So I will start small. Right now, I am forming a new habit. I will look myself in the mirror each morning and study my face. Then, I will say, “whatever happens today, you still matter.”
Frankly, until I believe that I matter, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to function healthily in a relationship. If there’s one thing I do know, it’s that I want to be a great partner. Making peace with myself is going to be necessary to being one.
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